In lieu of anything exciting happening to me this week, I thought I’d post the last of the Laws accidental poetry – I actually put the concept into a book proposal and sent it to some publishers. Random House sent back the standard gracious, thanks-but-no-thanks form letter; Allen & Unwin were cautiously keen before backing off – though I had a very pleasant bookish chat over a drink with their commissioning editor; Fergus Barrowman at Victoria University Press emailed a nice ‘they were very funny, but we’ll decline’ (I was quietly chuffed at that, having studied his work at University), and Penguin have yet to get back, which hardly precludes me posting the rest of them.
Anyway, I’ll paste it all below – The Accidental Poetry of Michael Laws, part the last – which, if you’re new here, is poetry extracted from the right-wing rantings of a controversy-hungry columnist and politician (read about the process here). I proposed it as a sort of 20 page point-of-sale joke book for the kind of liberal lover of irony who likes to buy (cheap) ironic presents at Christmas…
As for this blog in general, I haven’t been posting anything much, but that will hopefully change as Rebecca and I are off to Nepal in two weeks. We’re walking into a place call Khumjung (that’s it in the photo… I think) which is at something like 12,000 ft up in the Himalayas, where – nothwithstanding Yeti maulings, altitude sickness or snow-leopard strikes – we plan to stay for three months. I’m hoping to settle in and write some fiction.
Anyways – here’s a bit of Laws – some funny ones too. Though I think I’m done with that buzz
Found in a column titled: “Harsh lessons dealt on the toilet floor”
Published on: 20/02/2011
Morrinsville toilet block
It seems incomprehensible – seriously
One peers in a Morrinsville College toilet block
(This ticks all the boxes; a legitimate form of self-expression)
When we have our WTF moment.
WTF with bells on!
This seems extreme,
And we all know my thought process, watching, mouth agape.
I comprehended that feral girls
should perform such wickedness.
Make no mistake: the brain is evil
But embrace the sentiments, and daily practise it.
It is the teen way. And if they are elastic,
Then ignore moral imperative
And punish the girl.
Admittedly, police are investigating the incident.
Found in a column titled: “Key’s hot issue could be welfare revolution”
Published on: 13/02/2011
All they really want is more free money
He took their photogenic eldest daughter
To ride in limousines, eat hors d’oeuvres and dream.
As high as ever
Muddle-headed; entering a state to perform certain tasks
In exchange for days of free money.
Yes, there will be screaming, yes
But look at those figures
We pay people to surrender.
Found in a column titled: “Christine Rankin’s a champion of common sense”
Published on: 17/05/2009
Too much dog in her
I’ve never known what to make of my unique style, all legs and cleavage
I don’t appreciate a middle-aged heterosexual male
Appreciation is about men who perv at much closer proximity
Such startling gaucheness combined with
Drink and drugs,
Has the pinko in ascendancy
How could it not be?
Just keep the greedy bugger fed
It’s time for some drinks, drugs and the wrong partners
And, thank God, a group sex session.
A young ‘woman’ hits town